eh,

i see my sins when i smoke pot.

remembered what heroin felt like. very cold and hard ball of energy surounded by nothingness.

I have no middle, left right, left right.  

Drop out of life with bong in hand, follow the smoke to the Riff Filled Land.

if i dont know the words that are coming out of my mouth before i say them how can you ever really blame me. can you ask god that?.

When I die I want to be a god of Doom and Metal

I knew k2 was melting my face off. I look like a pudgy version of the boyish person i once was.

When I die I want to go to hell to explore. you know, without all the physical pain. Heaven scares me.

I had a dream last night that the devil was interragating me to find out how to make the anti christ. so I replied "i will not tell you the jackels truth"

There's nothing wrong with a little greed
Never enough to satisfy
Such a driving desire that burns inside

why do i have to hurt you for you to notice me?

so apparently im an "original fag" on 4chan. I will be telling my grandchildren.

ive been praying every day for three years to die but i'm not any closer to my goal.
 

So my friend is getting friendly with my sister. I hope they can stay together, he's a boyfirend I can trust not to fuck her over. what im worried about is her hitting him in a fight like all her other boyfriends.

I want to die so that I can really live.

song title: the pit and the lake

I remember when I was fucked up I found paperless filters from ciggerettes and no one would claim them so I just kept picking them up day after day saying to myself "who the fuck does this"? 

I dreamt kasey still loved me again...

Song title: sadists in heaven

day after day i wait for the lord and read his word expecting a message from god that hasnt happened yet.

1 Corinthians 15:22 For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.

I like to let my blades have a taste of blood. thanks to connor for christening it for me.

i will die tommorow if all things go according to plan.

"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"

There are things I've done I can't erase
I want to look in the mirror see another face
I said, "never", but I'm doing it again
I wanna walk away, start over again

I had a dream i had weed but nobody had a lighter.. the horror. also that I choked my uncle out for looking through my computer history.

Death to being sober!

I am the prodigy of indifference.

I AM GOING TO FUCKING GO INSANE IF I FORGET ANOTHER DAMN

I hate the healthy. I am the cancer; fuck your happy life.

they think im crazy but they dont know the feeling.

 a parent doesn't create a child to suffer. Suffering is simply part of existence.

i feel like such a fucking pussy for not holding my shit down. feel worse that i actually thought about eating it.

At war with earth
Nothing I fear
Weed, speed metal, liquor and beer!

When you keep getting pelted with Shit Balls, you gotta get a Shit Bat.- Layhe

getting shitfaced with myself and tom waits

im his oldest friend and he treats me like shit. why cant i have good friends..

i have done the things you grieve

i have been through my own personal hell many a time and i have become nothing but stronger. literal. hell. 

i want to do the mind eraser challenge. 14 shots some beers as a chaser, finishin it all off with a mind eraser. all i need is some kaluha and some vodka and some sprite, and 2 beers.. cant wait

I've died so many times inside
I've accepted this pain
And I won't look back now
I never will

 I fucking miss you connor. you fucking fuck.

i love and cherish my friends but they dont give a fuck about me.

I want to learn weedcraft. it is real and i know it. it lies in the whispering winds..

LORD I AM SOMETHING

I NEED FRIENDS 

what memories do i lose when i just try to keep living

every heaven i imagine is another hell

Psalm 19:1-3 

the devil lies in ways that make us understand the truth for ourselves.

We are living, we are breathing, we are pieces of defecating meat.

so we count the days by the bottles on the floor

 Now, as multiple thoughts arise, they are pushed down by another force that does not let the thoughts arise in the first place. Yet, it allows for a single thought to be heard – as I am still able to write this. 

"yo man you wanna hang out sometime"; "nah"         well fuck you then.

Jehovah-Jireh,
I pray for the Holy Spirit to overcome me, guide me to its Gate and Key, and let me use it fully.
This month, Please Abba Father?

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
okay, soul shattering faith killing. Nothing new.
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Dear Abba Father, Please do not have anything bad with weed on me. If it was your intention for me to quit weed my confusion at the phantom voices has surely caused me to stumble. I just cant tell who they are. If we could talk about why this is happening it would be great. Also if I could get the gate/key-Christ talk this month, it would be grand. Father I am trying my best to understand, but my ego/sin does get in the way as you know. I pray that you mold me into shape soon so that I may be in the kingdom ever sooner. I am also sorry if wishing for death/heaven is bad and I repent for all the fortune tellings and mediums I have received in order to become closer to you. I know it is not the right way but they were so effective when they let me speak with you. I am trying to stop that. i dont know if opening the third eye is without sin but If we could keep that level of devotion/communication i had after the break, when you started talking to me with jesus, I would me most gracious.

Zizzle.
EDIT: feels like satan is attacking me. like i am forced to pray to falsehood or am not capable of having my prayers heard
Dying would be best right now, so i can get ahold of things.
march9
Talked with God JeHoVa and Jesus Christ. told to wait, 4 weeks of nonsubversive thinking. Lightening and thunder. No Pot. OH MY LORD I ASKED IF I COULD FINISH THE BAG AND FORCEFUL LIGHTNING OCCOURED REDUCING ME TO ASKING FORGIVENESS OF SIN. i wonder if I can speak with the lord in a well enough way to recieve him- he acknowledged the speed of thought.
in four weeks of sobriety, can I masturbate? Good Vibes
Can we keep this level of communication while i am sober? Please? I have so many questions but I have need to collect my thoughts. sorry if that was long apology. In Four weeks christ will come visit me on a cross.

I wonder if that is literal? Please Please Please Forgive me for my many many sins of which ive detail on this very website and in life.

Maybe I will be free in a month.

MARCH 10
Talked to a pastor about not smoking pot and subversive thinking. Later flipped the bible to passage "Truly i say to you, i shall by no means drink anymore of the product of the vine until that day when I drink it new in the kingdom of heaven". Which I think means stay sober. It's really making me want a ciggarette. from past encounters cigs arent a problem but I'm trying to obstain from those anyways. Now I'm trying running when i get bored instead of smoking so I can join the Navy.

Pastors talked about intuition and how some members have "gifts". I dont want any part of them. no mind reading is good when it comes to me. Toxic person at the moment. I'm sure they're fine people but they may get me back into "thinking subversively", and then know what could happen.
----------------
asked god to
1. have jesus come today
2. let me smoke pot
3. have something happen in the next 2 days

he chose 1.

at 11:07pm jesus will knock on my door and guide me up a rope to the sky.

There is something very very big out there and it is NOT God. Nothing happened. My faith is shaken to the core. COMPLETELY outside elements, 2 distinct voices with 2 different personalities saying words I had to look up. and they lied. Something out there is purporting to be god and I have no idea what to do. I really want to smoke a bowl now, but I'm still deathly afraid God will send me to hell the moment I do. Its the oddest thing, I know god is great, merciful, and kind; but I'm super afraid that he will send me to hell forever for any old thing. Disobeying a direct act of god is pretty bad but when you dont understand anything about it how could it really be sin? I just want to get back to talking freely with Jehova and Jesus. They make the world seem like it revolves around you.<maybe thats why its bad?

---
please contact me again, i have no idea what im supposed to be doing.

I am so sorry that girl killed herself because of me. that my sister killed herself because of me. that kasey died because of me. that max died because of me. i am so fucking sorry that i caused so many people to go to hell. please please please forgive me.

please dont leave me on earth. please take me away.

I fried myself into a retard and now I'm in a coma. please dont make me go to hell. I didnt think enough. I didnt do it on purpose. please forgive me.

payback, newgrouds. That is knowledge.

not many friends
pot habit
no money
no job
parents fight
father constantly yells at me in an insulting manner and questions me when i respond like a person.
nothing to do.

I just want a fucking job so i can sit at home and shotgun my face with cannibis all day but i have to sit still slowly and soberly sitting though the days until school starts again.

I have no idea what im going to do after high school.

i am man.

Plank Bost